I have disordered eating. I refuse to say an eating disorder because it makes me feel like an invalid, sick, and out of control. In a way, I suppose that it is out of control. I feel out of control all the time. I watch myself eating stuff and I wonder why I’m eating it. I’m not experiencing pangs of hunger, I’ve eaten very recently. I’m not worried I’m not going to be eating for another two days. It doesn’t even make me feel good. I feel gross afterwards.
I have dealt with this style of eating for the last decade of my life, or more, really. Since I’m not even quite a quarter century old, I’m fairly positive that’s a decent chunk of my life right there.
I’ve called it emotional eating before, and I’m fairly positive that my feelings are very, very, tied into what I’m eating. But that’s not all that’s going on here. Sometimes, certain foods will trigger me to eat more of them. Sugar, for example. I’ve recently gone through an entire thread on a forum at theppk.com entitled “No sugar support thread.” I was quite skeptical at first, since I like my sugar. I like cookies, muffins, sweet things in general. But as I read it, and I watched (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM) this video, I became more concerned. Some of the ways I was eating could be linked into the amount of sugar I was eating. It’s only started this week, but I’m attempting to reduce the amount of sugar I consume every day. For several days, it worked quite well, but I seem to have hit a wall. I’m also a baker by nature. I love playing with ingredients to create new cookies or improve vegan chocolate chip cookies.
Sugar hides itself in so many ways though, that I’m not concerned with consuming no sugar. That’s just not going to happen. What I am looking to avoid are High Fructose Corn Syrup and refined sugars. So my nature valley bars? The ones that always make me feel like I should eat more after having one (yes, that’s definitely a sign I should have stopped getting them ages and ages ago. I eventually did until I got a box last week at the grocery store. No, I don’t know what I was thinking). Well it turns out they have brown sugar in them. And the sugar content for two bars (in one package) is startlingly high.
I still consume fruits without worry. Those are natural sugars, ones our bodies are intended to consume. The fruits have nutrients in them that I shouldn’t get from anywhere else. So far, I’ve felt decent with the exception of last night and this afternoon. Because an addiction to sugar is not the only thing I have to worry about. Unfortunately.
I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m worried. I eat when I’m bored.
I should confess a few things here and now: I’m a natural worrier. Also, I’m unemployed. So I’m stressed about job hunting, I’m worrying over the fact that I don’t have a job and I have a crap load of free time on my hands.
Yeah. Basically I’ve got the trifecta going and there’s not a huge amount I can do about it, unless I magically solve my disordered eating. Dear magical food fairy, can you please take away my disordered eating so that I eat 6 small meals a day that are perfectly balanced? And so I don’t resort to food when I feel anxious? It really doesn’t make me feel better, despite what my brain says to my hand, guiding it to my mouth with that delicious chocolate baked good.