I have disordered eating. I refuse to say an eating disorder because it makes me feel like an invalid, sick, and out of control. In a way, I suppose that it is out of control. I feel out of control all the time. I watch myself eating stuff and I wonder why I’m eating it. I’m not experiencing pangs of hunger, I’ve eaten very recently. I’m not worried I’m not going to be eating for another two days. It doesn’t even make me feel good. I feel gross afterwards.
I have dealt with this style of eating for the last decade of my life, or more, really. Since I’m not even quite a quarter century old, I’m fairly positive that’s a decent chunk of my life right there.
I’ve called it emotional eating before, and I’m fairly positive that my feelings are very, very, tied into what I’m eating. But that’s not all that’s going on here. Sometimes, certain foods will trigger me to eat more of them. Sugar, for example. I’ve recently gone through an entire thread on a forum at theppk.com entitled “No sugar support thread.” I was quite skeptical at first, since I like my sugar. I like cookies, muffins, sweet things in general. But as I read it, and I watched (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM) this video, I became more concerned. Some of the ways I was eating could be linked into the amount of sugar I was eating. It’s only started this week, but I’m attempting to reduce the amount of sugar I consume every day. For several days, it worked quite well, but I seem to have hit a wall. I’m also a baker by nature. I love playing with ingredients to create new cookies or improve vegan chocolate chip cookies.
Sugar hides itself in so many ways though, that I’m not concerned with consuming no sugar. That’s just not going to happen. What I am looking to avoid are High Fructose Corn Syrup and refined sugars. So my nature valley bars? The ones that always make me feel like I should eat more after having one (yes, that’s definitely a sign I should have stopped getting them ages and ages ago. I eventually did until I got a box last week at the grocery store. No, I don’t know what I was thinking). Well it turns out they have brown sugar in them. And the sugar content for two bars (in one package) is startlingly high.
I still consume fruits without worry. Those are natural sugars, ones our bodies are intended to consume. The fruits have nutrients in them that I shouldn’t get from anywhere else. So far, I’ve felt decent with the exception of last night and this afternoon. Because an addiction to sugar is not the only thing I have to worry about. Unfortunately.
I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m worried. I eat when I’m bored.
I should confess a few things here and now: I’m a natural worrier. Also, I’m unemployed. So I’m stressed about job hunting, I’m worrying over the fact that I don’t have a job and I have a crap load of free time on my hands.
Yeah. Basically I’ve got the trifecta going and there’s not a huge amount I can do about it, unless I magically solve my disordered eating. Dear magical food fairy, can you please take away my disordered eating so that I eat 6 small meals a day that are perfectly balanced? And so I don’t resort to food when I feel anxious? It really doesn’t make me feel better, despite what my brain says to my hand, guiding it to my mouth with that delicious chocolate baked good.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
It's Back! AT Day 13
I woke up at NOC and managed to wake Silver up (I never sleep all that well in new indoor places-the shelters are all starting to feel similar, so I sleep well there) accidentally. We ate a delicious breakfast at the restaurant, piddled around with the Picnic sisters while waiting for the outfitters to open (got in a little after 4, when they closed) at 10am. Finally, it did so I ran in to get my packages. Decided I was an idiot for wanting my snowshoes and had to head over to the offices to send them back. Which I did, after I bought a dinner or two plus some snacks-this was supposed to get me through the majority of the smokies after all.
Ended up taking a while, but the hike today would be a short one, even if it was ALL up hill. Silver had left a half hour before I did and I didn't expect to see him. And so I didn't. The first part was a decent hike, a few blowdowns, but nothing awful. And then, a couple miles in, it just became completely awful. As it turns out, we arrived a few days/a week too early, because the recent storms had created severe blow downs that hadn't been cleared. I had to climb over/around/under rhododendron bushes and trees that had fallen over. The sides of the mountain were completely wrecked from previous hikers doing the same thing and I'm positive they had to reroute at points. It was complete misery trying to get through it.
And then I ran into Count (named for reading Dracula, I believe) who had turned around. he had needed to be halfway to Fontana Dam on this day but he couldn't find the trail, so he was going to shuttle around tomorrow. Told me to call him if we could find it in the morning. (note-I think I can find his number still in my phone) Met some 'day hikers' (overnighters) who were heading down a half mile before the shelter and finally pulled in, seeing Silver. Ate my dinner just as the picnic sisters came in. Mashed potatoes so kindly donated by silver, seeing as how I'd not eaten them before from a package. He got half since I couldn't finish it all.
Fell asleep to the sound of the picnic sisters playing bananagrams. We all stayed on the second story of the shelter.
One interesting thing I remember: a tree by the spring fell over just after Bou came back from getting water. Very lucky she wasn't hurt.
Ended up taking a while, but the hike today would be a short one, even if it was ALL up hill. Silver had left a half hour before I did and I didn't expect to see him. And so I didn't. The first part was a decent hike, a few blowdowns, but nothing awful. And then, a couple miles in, it just became completely awful. As it turns out, we arrived a few days/a week too early, because the recent storms had created severe blow downs that hadn't been cleared. I had to climb over/around/under rhododendron bushes and trees that had fallen over. The sides of the mountain were completely wrecked from previous hikers doing the same thing and I'm positive they had to reroute at points. It was complete misery trying to get through it.
And then I ran into Count (named for reading Dracula, I believe) who had turned around. he had needed to be halfway to Fontana Dam on this day but he couldn't find the trail, so he was going to shuttle around tomorrow. Told me to call him if we could find it in the morning. (note-I think I can find his number still in my phone) Met some 'day hikers' (overnighters) who were heading down a half mile before the shelter and finally pulled in, seeing Silver. Ate my dinner just as the picnic sisters came in. Mashed potatoes so kindly donated by silver, seeing as how I'd not eaten them before from a package. He got half since I couldn't finish it all.
Fell asleep to the sound of the picnic sisters playing bananagrams. We all stayed on the second story of the shelter.
One interesting thing I remember: a tree by the spring fell over just after Bou came back from getting water. Very lucky she wasn't hurt.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Carry it as long as you can
As many of you know or have realized, I follow a vegan diet. I would also be the first to say that I am not the healthiest vegan out there. And I'd like to change that. But that isn't the point of this post.
One time long ago, in some Quaker meeting, a Friend once asked of another Friend (I believe it was John Woolman) of the evils of slavery: (something to the effect of) When do you wish us to lay down slavery? To stop owning slaves? This Friend's response was: Carry the burden as long as you can.
These words have such an incredibly strong effect on my way of thinking, of viewing the world. You might ask why the immediate response is not "Immediately! Slavery is awful and horrible and cannot be abided any longer." It is because, I believe, personal culpability and personal ownership over a decision was very important to him. People needed to understand in their hearts that the action was wrong. He set a personal example, by refusing to draw up legal documents transferring ownership of slaves amongst a wide variety of other actions, he spoke to others of how wrong it was, he refused to be served food by slaves in certain types of cups and plates (silver and such) because of the abuse of slaves to mine that ore. (I am referencing Wikipedia, so some of this may be false)
He travelled for long periods of time and often to spread his word that slavery was wrong, that Quakers should not be participating in the trade of other human beings. It is something that Quakers pride themselves on, that they were among the first to fully oppose slavery. John Woolman was one of the first of the first.
But back to the "Carry the burden as long as you can" statement. I have started thinking recently about this phrase in conjunction with my life as a vegan. I eat in a vegan life style (I ate six eggs last week from very healthy well cared for chickens in a backyard. Sue me.). Some parts of it, though, are not quite in line with a vegan viewpoint: I still eat cheerios and honeynut cheerios, both of General Mills, which, one of my vegan books claims, infuses their delicious cereal with some kind of ingredient that either is of animal or is made from animal product. So, not vegan. I know this.
I am well aware of this. But that doesn't stop me from eating them, because, I, personally, think they are delicious and I was unwilling to sacrifice it. Today, I realized that I shouldn't be eating honey nut cheerios, especially as honey was part of the name. So I will continue to eat cheerios, but this box of honey nut? It's going to be my last. I am laying down that aspect of the burden.
Another part of my non-vegan life is knitting. I refuse to give up wool in my knitting, quite frankly. I don't find myself horrified at the use of wool and so I'm quite fine with continuing to use it. There may come a day in which I am no longer willing to condone the practices of the wool industry, but it is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow. I am still carrying that burden, because it is not so heavy that I can no longer carry it.
That being said, I also have pictures! And a recipe! For gluten free, vegan chocolate chip cookies!
I made these this afternoon after suddenly feeling motivated to make chocolate chip cookies that happened to be gluten free and vegan. As someone who does not eat gluten free all the time, but is vegan, I found myself casting around for gluten free recipes. I only found one that listed the variety of flours to use in a recipe (as opposed to a general baking mix you can buy in a store that pre-mixes a bunch of flours together) and was not happy, as it focused too much on one type of flour, in my opinion. What I have noticed in previous observations of gluten free recipes, is that good recipes tend to have a mix of flours. So I decided to do it myself.
The cookies look really nice, like real chocolate chip cookies, which I found promising. The taste was good, quite like most chocolate chip cookies, if slightly more bitter. As normal for gluten free, the texture.. left something to be desired. It wasn't awful, but it was definitely grainy. Overall, I'm pretty happy with my attempt!
Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies
3/4 Cup Sweet White Sorghum flour
3/4 Cup White Rice Flour
1/4 Cup Chickpea flour
1/4 Cup Potato Startch
1/4 Cup Tapioca Flour
1 tsp xanthan gum
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 Cup Earth Balance, melted
3/4 Cup brown sugar
3/4 cup white sugar
~3 tablespoons almond (or other non-dairy) milk
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
Dash of cinnamon
Chocolate chips (Ghirardelli's semisweet are the only vegan ones I have access to. But whichever you have)
Now, usually, cookie doughs have you mix the liquid ingredients and the sugar first. I was so focused on finding a balance of flours that I just threw everything in together and mixed it, adding a little almond milk until it became the sticky crumbly texture that I figured was good for chocolate chip cookies.
Bake for 12-13 minutes until tops are just becoming golden. Let cool on cookie sheets for a few minutes before transferring.
For your viewing pleasure, a few dishes from ages ago: Havana beans and Rice:
Monkey bread, deconstructed
Black beans for the beans and rice. They look purple, which I find hilarious.
One time long ago, in some Quaker meeting, a Friend once asked of another Friend (I believe it was John Woolman) of the evils of slavery: (something to the effect of) When do you wish us to lay down slavery? To stop owning slaves? This Friend's response was: Carry the burden as long as you can.
These words have such an incredibly strong effect on my way of thinking, of viewing the world. You might ask why the immediate response is not "Immediately! Slavery is awful and horrible and cannot be abided any longer." It is because, I believe, personal culpability and personal ownership over a decision was very important to him. People needed to understand in their hearts that the action was wrong. He set a personal example, by refusing to draw up legal documents transferring ownership of slaves amongst a wide variety of other actions, he spoke to others of how wrong it was, he refused to be served food by slaves in certain types of cups and plates (silver and such) because of the abuse of slaves to mine that ore. (I am referencing Wikipedia, so some of this may be false)
He travelled for long periods of time and often to spread his word that slavery was wrong, that Quakers should not be participating in the trade of other human beings. It is something that Quakers pride themselves on, that they were among the first to fully oppose slavery. John Woolman was one of the first of the first.
But back to the "Carry the burden as long as you can" statement. I have started thinking recently about this phrase in conjunction with my life as a vegan. I eat in a vegan life style (I ate six eggs last week from very healthy well cared for chickens in a backyard. Sue me.). Some parts of it, though, are not quite in line with a vegan viewpoint: I still eat cheerios and honeynut cheerios, both of General Mills, which, one of my vegan books claims, infuses their delicious cereal with some kind of ingredient that either is of animal or is made from animal product. So, not vegan. I know this.
I am well aware of this. But that doesn't stop me from eating them, because, I, personally, think they are delicious and I was unwilling to sacrifice it. Today, I realized that I shouldn't be eating honey nut cheerios, especially as honey was part of the name. So I will continue to eat cheerios, but this box of honey nut? It's going to be my last. I am laying down that aspect of the burden.
Another part of my non-vegan life is knitting. I refuse to give up wool in my knitting, quite frankly. I don't find myself horrified at the use of wool and so I'm quite fine with continuing to use it. There may come a day in which I am no longer willing to condone the practices of the wool industry, but it is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow. I am still carrying that burden, because it is not so heavy that I can no longer carry it.
That being said, I also have pictures! And a recipe! For gluten free, vegan chocolate chip cookies!
I made these this afternoon after suddenly feeling motivated to make chocolate chip cookies that happened to be gluten free and vegan. As someone who does not eat gluten free all the time, but is vegan, I found myself casting around for gluten free recipes. I only found one that listed the variety of flours to use in a recipe (as opposed to a general baking mix you can buy in a store that pre-mixes a bunch of flours together) and was not happy, as it focused too much on one type of flour, in my opinion. What I have noticed in previous observations of gluten free recipes, is that good recipes tend to have a mix of flours. So I decided to do it myself.
The cookies look really nice, like real chocolate chip cookies, which I found promising. The taste was good, quite like most chocolate chip cookies, if slightly more bitter. As normal for gluten free, the texture.. left something to be desired. It wasn't awful, but it was definitely grainy. Overall, I'm pretty happy with my attempt!
Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies
3/4 Cup Sweet White Sorghum flour
3/4 Cup White Rice Flour
1/4 Cup Chickpea flour
1/4 Cup Potato Startch
1/4 Cup Tapioca Flour
1 tsp xanthan gum
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 Cup Earth Balance, melted
3/4 Cup brown sugar
3/4 cup white sugar
~3 tablespoons almond (or other non-dairy) milk
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
Dash of cinnamon
Chocolate chips (Ghirardelli's semisweet are the only vegan ones I have access to. But whichever you have)
Now, usually, cookie doughs have you mix the liquid ingredients and the sugar first. I was so focused on finding a balance of flours that I just threw everything in together and mixed it, adding a little almond milk until it became the sticky crumbly texture that I figured was good for chocolate chip cookies.
Bake for 12-13 minutes until tops are just becoming golden. Let cool on cookie sheets for a few minutes before transferring.
For your viewing pleasure, a few dishes from ages ago: Havana beans and Rice:
Monkey bread, deconstructed
Black beans for the beans and rice. They look purple, which I find hilarious.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Random Tuesday
Since it's been so long between updates and I have no big news to share, I thought I'd share random tidbits:
1. I made the PPK's blackbean quinoa chipotle raspberry dish, ate a little and proceeded to avoid it for ~two weeks. I opened it and it stank. Almost blew me away stank.
2. I have one arm strap and edging left to do on my vest that I've been working on for three months.
3. I made dinner last night with my first attempt at seitan from last friday. Specifically, this recipe. I also conveniently made the PPK's Mexican hot chocolate snickerdoodles. I'm not sure if I'll ever finish them, since there is literally a teaspoon of cayenne in there. And you don't taste any of it until about 20 seconds after biting into the cookie.
4. I found a new exercise plan for myself (I've been flailing around recently, trying not to gain weight but panicking and sending myself into eating binges) from bodyrock.tv. Uses only a very few pieces of equipment, and exercises can be modified with some thought if you don't have those pieces of equipment (except for the timer thingy. I bought one of those. It'll come this week). I'm hoping it gets me stronger in general, which will lead to a nice hiking/backpacking season! :-D
5. I may have a job that is part time. Very part time.
6. I still need more jobs.
7. I hate applying for jobs.
1. I made the PPK's blackbean quinoa chipotle raspberry dish, ate a little and proceeded to avoid it for ~two weeks. I opened it and it stank. Almost blew me away stank.
2. I have one arm strap and edging left to do on my vest that I've been working on for three months.
3. I made dinner last night with my first attempt at seitan from last friday. Specifically, this recipe. I also conveniently made the PPK's Mexican hot chocolate snickerdoodles. I'm not sure if I'll ever finish them, since there is literally a teaspoon of cayenne in there. And you don't taste any of it until about 20 seconds after biting into the cookie.
4. I found a new exercise plan for myself (I've been flailing around recently, trying not to gain weight but panicking and sending myself into eating binges) from bodyrock.tv. Uses only a very few pieces of equipment, and exercises can be modified with some thought if you don't have those pieces of equipment (except for the timer thingy. I bought one of those. It'll come this week). I'm hoping it gets me stronger in general, which will lead to a nice hiking/backpacking season! :-D
5. I may have a job that is part time. Very part time.
6. I still need more jobs.
7. I hate applying for jobs.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Jobs
Today, I went on an interview for a Financial Services Representative.
I am proud to say I did not make it through the interview and cut out after the info session. Because yes, I am THAT awesome.
Or, in other words, I'm more likely to be one of those dirty hippies yelling and screaming at the wall street types than be one of those wall street types.
And I figured it would be good interview practice. HA.
In other news, I'm starting to have more ideas for writing, so that's good. Even if I'm not actually writing...
I am proud to say I did not make it through the interview and cut out after the info session. Because yes, I am THAT awesome.
Or, in other words, I'm more likely to be one of those dirty hippies yelling and screaming at the wall street types than be one of those wall street types.
And I figured it would be good interview practice. HA.
In other news, I'm starting to have more ideas for writing, so that's good. Even if I'm not actually writing...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Mourning
I'm in mourning.
Yesterday, I came up with the fantastic idea that I would bike into boston. Good idea, as I've been eating too much and not exercising enough.
I've winterified my bike as much as possible, wore as many clothes as I could and still look-well if not awesomely well put together-decent enough for being amongst other people (it included long underwear and a fleece).
Biking in was great! It was still sunny, traffic wasn't the pits. The bike lanes were hilarious-I'd be in one for about 100 feet and then it would veer into a snow bank.
No thank you, I don't want to crash my bike into snow. No cars hit me, I am still whole-except for my right hip, which is slightly sore.
Anyways. I was downtown at this event called "Dating While Feminist, Part Deux" which was a really neat panel/small group discussion about the issues that come up in dating someone, expectations and what life is like as a feminist dealing with people who are a)pseudo-Feminists-using the name but not actually feminist b)proto-feminists-refuse to use the name...but are way cool Feminists despite that c)Unconverted-those people who haven't really had interaction with feminists and feminist ideals beforehand d)sexist pigs-UNTOUCHABLES! AHHH.***
But yeah. That's not really the point of this post.
Let's go back to what I first said. I'm in mourning. I started biking home last night ~9:45. As you can imagine, we're not on the South Pole nor is it June 21st. So, it is completely dark at 9:45. Except for all those street lamps. And headlights. And store lights. Perhaps I should rephrase that? There is practically no source of natural light. So it's kind of dark.
I had a head lamp and a red flashing light attached to my backpack for safety. My father made me a holder for the bike light, as I managed to break the strap off the original holder when I was trying to get it off my old mountain bike onto my new, spiffy commuter bike. It was this giant square metal/plastic thing that screwed on to the handlebar of my bike.
Unfortunately, I don't have the headlamp anymore. Its parts and batteries are bits of smooshed litter on Mass Ave, somewhere in Cambridge at this point. I feel awful, contributing to litter.. But would you stop to pick up pieces in the middle of a busy street with a T bus right behind you? No? I thought not. Moral of the story? Buy a head light that doesn't slip easily and don't break the strap off the original holder.
But bike at night. It's great fun.
***Seriously. Don't pay attention to what I'm saying. It's all made up. Well-the definitions are real enough. But not the terms. I made those up. Don't repeat them!
I've winterified my bike as much as possible, wore as many clothes as I could and still look-well if not awesomely well put together-decent enough for being amongst other people (it included long underwear and a fleece).
Biking in was great! It was still sunny, traffic wasn't the pits. The bike lanes were hilarious-I'd be in one for about 100 feet and then it would veer into a snow bank.
No thank you, I don't want to crash my bike into snow. No cars hit me, I am still whole-except for my right hip, which is slightly sore.
Anyways. I was downtown at this event called "Dating While Feminist, Part Deux" which was a really neat panel/small group discussion about the issues that come up in dating someone, expectations and what life is like as a feminist dealing with people who are a)pseudo-Feminists-using the name but not actually feminist b)proto-feminists-refuse to use the name...but are way cool Feminists despite that c)Unconverted-those people who haven't really had interaction with feminists and feminist ideals beforehand d)sexist pigs-UNTOUCHABLES! AHHH.***
But yeah. That's not really the point of this post.
Let's go back to what I first said. I'm in mourning. I started biking home last night ~9:45. As you can imagine, we're not on the South Pole nor is it June 21st. So, it is completely dark at 9:45. Except for all those street lamps. And headlights. And store lights. Perhaps I should rephrase that? There is practically no source of natural light. So it's kind of dark.
I had a head lamp and a red flashing light attached to my backpack for safety. My father made me a holder for the bike light, as I managed to break the strap off the original holder when I was trying to get it off my old mountain bike onto my new, spiffy commuter bike. It was this giant square metal/plastic thing that screwed on to the handlebar of my bike.
Unfortunately, I don't have the headlamp anymore. Its parts and batteries are bits of smooshed litter on Mass Ave, somewhere in Cambridge at this point. I feel awful, contributing to litter.. But would you stop to pick up pieces in the middle of a busy street with a T bus right behind you? No? I thought not. Moral of the story? Buy a head light that doesn't slip easily and don't break the strap off the original holder.
But bike at night. It's great fun.
***Seriously. Don't pay attention to what I'm saying. It's all made up. Well-the definitions are real enough. But not the terms. I made those up. Don't repeat them!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Ethical Dilemma
Sometime this month is February Vacation. I had the mother of a friend of my sister's call and ask me if I would like to house sit-to the tune of $50 a day. That's good money for 6-7 days when I'm unemployed.
This household has a number of pets-a few dogs, some kind of reptilian or bird like pet inside. Or maybe a cat. I don't really remember.
They also have chickens. Yes. Chickens as pets. Which is not so odd a commodity-it seems they are growing in popularity. I've even tried to talk my parents into getting chickens.
But I'm vegan. She told me I could have all the eggs those chickens lay that week. I politely responded that I was vegan..
However. I became vegan mostly because of animal rights issues, although health and especially environment play into it. These chickens are not going to be slaughtered just because they've stopped laying eggs as productively. They are living a good life.
...So do I eat the eggs? Or do I not break veganism at all....
This household has a number of pets-a few dogs, some kind of reptilian or bird like pet inside. Or maybe a cat. I don't really remember.
They also have chickens. Yes. Chickens as pets. Which is not so odd a commodity-it seems they are growing in popularity. I've even tried to talk my parents into getting chickens.
But I'm vegan. She told me I could have all the eggs those chickens lay that week. I politely responded that I was vegan..
However. I became vegan mostly because of animal rights issues, although health and especially environment play into it. These chickens are not going to be slaughtered just because they've stopped laying eggs as productively. They are living a good life.
...So do I eat the eggs? Or do I not break veganism at all....
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